Weinstein. It took half a century, but hippies finally won. Ruth Buzzi, actor, Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if youre wet. Sean Lock, comedian, Two guys stole a calendar. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Hello, said the agent, Im looking for a man called Murphy., Well youre in luck, said the farmer. ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. '", "My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". $18.49 $ 18. We recommend our users to update the browser. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?". Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. She couldnt control her pupils. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. As it happens, theres a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! Check out thesefunny political quotes you cant help but laugh at. Dont go down that road. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. It's stopped twerking. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. Rub one ball and everything moves.". ._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4{width:100%}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA{display:none}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA,._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:block}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:none} No problem, the sales clerk answered. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. After several readings, I couldnt find my mistake. Dont miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids. He was a great vet. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? Well, historically speaking, more powerful., 19. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. No pun in 10 did. You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! Thanks for dating someone ugly after we broke up., 17. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. After a few moments, Bill says, "Hurry up . You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin, My sunglasses are prescription so if theyre stolen, it becomes two people who cant see. @kimtopher22, What happens when you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN? Being broken up with. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.Submitted by Nancy Send, An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Your secrets are always safe with me. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. Thats why this suit is only $30., Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Now, sure. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. Brand: Top Craft Case. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? Ever wondered how why did the chicken cross the road became a thing? The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. Late one evening, Norms doorbell rang. Reddit.com. Without hesitation, the man says: Never mind, I found one!, I dont want to achieve immortality through my work. 71. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face I love sharpies., 32. 5. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback], 1. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. Jokes. How do you get two whales in a car? How far do you think I can kick this bucket. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Its called balance., 3. The little boy replied, With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence. 52. He needed a little space. Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. 3.. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults So I gave him all the money I had. This is my first day driving a cab. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. The light goes off.. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. I said 40. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. What are you doing! says the husband. Now, if youre not someone who raises their eyebrow easily, dont do it. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise. She says, Im here to give you super sex., After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess Ill have the soup., I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. Steven Wright. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the cars indicators are working. A football coach. ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldnt get a word in. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response., That evening, the mans wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and hes in the living room. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! So I had to put my foot down. Good players are hard to find. The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. I wanna see my real parents! Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, Come on. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Tap To Copy. Submitted by D.T. He was just going through a stage. Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.". What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? Ye gads, matey, says Morty. Please joke responsibly. Now were going to have to pee in the boat..